With total credit to def poetry for awakening me

I sit in my room and go insane from silence
and you have seen me at those moments
and have stuck out your tongue and gone along with it
...
I am less acutely aware of all that I know as I am of all that I have yet to learn
I wasn't before you.
Before you I knew everything, now everything is new
Before you I stood in fields of yellow-white corn
self-assured, omniscient, young.
I challenged wind to footraces and goaded mountains into staring contests
and if at times I lost, it was 'cause I chose to
it was because I reasoned logically that it was better to
let God believe he had the edge than argue pointedly about the inner workings of infinity
and prove that he did not
then you run up to me and speak you mind
and suddenly, the sky tearing, I realize: I hadn't thought of that.
...
do not ask me if I love you
there is no need
simply read this poem
I will tell you, surely(shortly?), of my own free will, repeatedly, and often
so do not ask me why
there is no need
simply pick up this poem
and read.

Hmm i wonder this will go but then its a start i guess

Chapter 1
1.1
It was a rainy day in Mumbai. Though he hated calling it that we felt it was politically correct as compared to Bombay. As he sat there watching the rain drops splatter against the window. He thought of the beautiful city in front of him, to him it was the city of angels, drenched in rain the city looked like a newly wed bride blushing with happiness. The high towers seemed so distant in the rain. The sea looked calm and as always inviting. The waves crashed against the rocks and the spray just made it look better. He looked around here he was at a crossroad. He had no idea what was going to happen when he left his safe haven and go to a strange place alien to him. The calm was always followed by a storm. Was he going to survive it? It had started about one year ago first the interview for the exchange program then the wait for everything to finalize the anticipation was worse as the days flew by. How will I make friends he thought to himself, what about the cold? It seemed like something that was only a dream was about to come true. He was always the boy who did what was told he never did anything wrong. But a lot of things had gone bad, his relationships had all been weird weather it was with his parents his classmates or his women. Looking back he thought what have I made of myself? Is there anything to tell the world that I am here? Is there anything I have done to make me proud? This was his chance this was the one chance he felt he had to make something of himself. He was clay that was about to be molded. Life is beautiful it turns it rises and it falls he hadn’t seen it all but he wanted to. He had led a very protected life and this was the first time he left vulnerable. The anticipation only grew as the clock ticked away. He had decided he didn’t want to cry. He didn’t want to feel weak. He hated feeling out of control. His grandfather had taught him to be self reliant and in control he didn’t want that to go waste. He thought of his grandfather he had taught him a lot he had helped him study he had taught him to swim and he was the one who had encouraged him to swim competitively he had been there when he was sick he had told him stories and then one day he had dreamt about his death he didn’t want to bring it up with anyone but when it happened the next day he felt like he was still in the dream he wanted to slap himself awake, but he lived the nightmare. Walking in front of the coffin during the funeral with a cross in his hand he had tried to put on a brave face he wanted to show the world this is what he taught me. This is how he had been molded at a young age in control of his emotions. He smiled and put on a brave face in all conditions.

My greatest fear has been the quicksand. not the real one though. It is when one small thing goes wrong and then the other things start to fail and slowly everything around you is falling and breaking there is no where you can turn the harder you try to run away from it the worse it gets and then there is darkness all around. There is no light at the end of the tunnel and you feel suffocated. How did this come about it was yesterday at the party when suddenly I was on stage the first ever gig i played i had the same feeling. What if the sound goes what if the people dont like what i play what if? but then it all came toghter it doesnt always happen tho sometimes its more of i hope that makes thing happen. I rarely speak about my fears but then its time to slay the demons and move forward

Walking against the wind. Cold drops falling from the skies like tear drops. the sound of the waves gently thrashing the breakers. All i could wish for was a hand. As i walked along the pier with its war monuments on one side and lush green lawns on the other looking up at the skyline to see the spin tower i felt i should have been a bird. i wished i could fly over the sea admiring its might and beauty it was here that they lay at rest it was here that mankind flourished. It was here that history was made, sometimes i feel insignificant in this world where so many have come and gone but then i live with the hope that i will make my name somewhere someplace till then we cherish each moment

The only thing that keeps me sane is my insanity...
the only thing that keeps me human is my mutant soul
This is something that occured to me in one of my dreams.. i stopped asking the doc to help cuz he has a one track mind and i dare to disagree with him..
every now and then i let my mind wander it wanders far and wide sometimes it comes back hurt sometimes it returns with a huge bounty...
i read in the newspaper (i guess) that some people have made revolting their hobby... there are so many causes in the world then why rebel without a cause... we see all the stars pour money in places like dafur... some get inspired some do it cuz their heartthrob did it.. i say rebel .. revolt is good.. but rebel for a brighter tmrw not for a darker today.

I was asked why did i get a tattoo?
Was it because it was the in thing? i guess not cuz i always went against the system...i didnt wanna fit in i was and will always be who i am.

i guess the only reason i got a tattoo was cuz i considered it to be an extension of my thoughts.. there was once a friend who told me your thoughts at times are so dark that they scare me.. i never really thought of it that way.. maybe i should

I'm sitting here in the boring roomIt's just another rainy Sunday afternoonI'm wasting my timeI got nothing to doI'm hanging aroundI'm waiting for youBut nothing ever happens and I wonder

I wonder howI wonder whyYesterday you told me 'bout the blue blue skyAnd all that I can see is just a yellow lemon-treeI'm turning my head up and downI'm turning turning turning turning turning aroundAnd all that I can see is just another lemon-tree

ah fool's garden....just rembered this song cuz i have been hummin the tune since morning....god knows why....

anyhows, this is one of my random posting....things i do when i have time on my hands and i am lost in thought of someone somewhere.


ah yes my new creation
wonder if it will work though

I am just a stiletto in the dark....
all i crave is light....
i maybe just a mirage...
caused out of your fright...

its been ages since i wrote, i guess the reason was simple-work.
Now when i write it feels like i have been itchin to write for such a long time...
sometimes we have speedbreaks in life when we are running away too fast this is one of those days when nothin goes your way and you feel like u have lost everythin u held onto....and then comes the revelation tht u have to keep fightin...cuz the war aint over....i have the warrior symbol engraved on my left triscep....how appropriate dont you think....its the way life is....a battle to survive a battle to get your right full....only the strong will survive said darwin i say balls to him...only the determined will survive

i wanna swim......

its been a while since i jumped in the pool and did my mandaory laps.....
all my drills....
i miss swimmin...it was so peacefull
all my worries used to vanish each time i was in the pool

this is one incident that kind of made me laugh my as* off.....
i was at this shop and two much older corporates were talkin abt the newer generation.....they are irresponsible they are like this they are like that
they want easy money.....

hey.....we didnt start the fire it was always burnin.......

we have different aspirations from our parents no doubt in tht.......
the way we go forward to achieve is also different...
they broke their parents rules and we breakin their..... it called angst....


freedom was also a topic of disscusion between the two gentlemen....wht can i say...i can only quote

The only real prison is fear, and the only real freedom is freedom from fear
AUNG SAN SUU KYI

its that time of the year again when the fragrance of cakes and cookies wafts thru the air...... every where the xmas spirt....
we have stories abt the grinch....
the grinch still lives...except he aint no green monster....
he is just invisble...and stays inside our mind.....
he is called fear......
we all fear something or the other.... the question is why....
fear is installed in us by society??? possible

The only real prison is fear, and the only real freedom is freedom from fear.

its been a while since i wrote....

i was wonderin how do i survive.....
life is filled with twists and turns.....
i have always been on a roller coaster....except the drop aint stoppin...it seems never ending.......
i look arnd and see the luxuries...all i can do is wish i had them ......
my wants are never ending, as an after thought i often feel like i am complete and i need to be content but tht aint happenin.....
hmm well maybe i am cribin too much and doin too lil abt it...
till i lose my sanity again

i was listenin to good ole RHCP
the song was one from their new album.....when i realized y i like this band so much.....
they sing to me
atleast tht wht i feel
ozzy also sings to me..........
i guess wht i wanna say is tht its music tht keeps me from becomin insane....there r tons of songs i say are my favourites...but then y are they so....its cuz i can realate to them....i understand what the band wants to say cuz i am goin thru the same phase......

or maybe i am already insane??????

its been a while since i set my creative juices flowing.....
but then i really didnt wanna bother the world with my crap......
this time i am gonna tell a story of a boy....
he grew up in a small town...started lissenin to remixes.....and today he dresses up like a hip hop artist
though his english is almost non existent still he tries to rammble somethin vague....
why am i writin this.....not cuz i wanna mak him feel bad.....its just cuz we like him have lost touch of who we really are.....
we interact with some many people in so many different situations that we rarely project our true selfs......
AWAKE my friends

i was just reading about a person called james blunt.....i know many of you know who he is but some of you dont, i aint a big fan of you're beautiful....
i read that his whole family was in the army and he was a engg like me......something that he didnt exactly like....something that he thought would be different from what it really was.....

how true.....so many things in my entire life i have just taken cuz the cover looked good.....i really never saw what was inside.....only now do i realize it.....but still i dont improve..........

the way life turns out isnt always right, but then who said that it would be perfect.
life according to me is like trekking, i know it might sound weird but still, the aim is to reach the summit. the only problem is its very lonely on top and oyu wish you had some company.
reaching the top isnt tht easy as well specially for someone like me. who is a born renegade, who satnds for what he believes in and follows his own ideals. in this conformist world around me i am a digen - a outsider- who believes he can change he world. a lot of people opt to do MBA's the reason.....money. isnt a master of buisness administration supposed to use his acumen for the betterment of society. or maybe i am just old fashioned and cant understand the needs of todays society. the so called priemier institutes aint of much help either they are more like a toyota car assembly and less like academic centers. then how do i trek. how do i reach the top when the road in front of me is scattered with boulders which cannot be scaled. i am not the kind of person who will go around them.i would rather let the boulder rush onto me and die in its path then run away

my brand new dancing shoes.....

dancing isnt as easy as it looks and i found out the tough way......
after dancing a night away the next day is worse than havin a hangover, every part of your body hurts.....
damn me and my new shoes....y did they have to force me to dance.....

but there are other issues which are botherin me more....my dreams......
i keep seeing the same dream again and again....i went to ask dr.freud but you knw wht his answer was....all his solutions are the same.....

right now i wish i was in bed sleeping and some1 massaging my sore bones....i guess ill have to train my dog...

i miss my dog

gorby was born on he 1st of jan...he was a lab....
what was so special about him you migh think....
well sometimes i actually felt he was better than some humans....
whenever he ate ice cream he didnt dirty the floor....
when he ate a choclate he didnt throw the wrapper on the floor....
when he was told to retrive a ball he brought it back and made sure that he released the ball only after i had a hold on it....
he was always there by my side...
if i was figthing with someone, he would growl and make his presence felt....
if i was cycling he would run along, and if i fell down he was the first one to lick my face and make me happy........
if i went swimming in the lake he would swim.....
i was never alone.....
today he lives in my memory....till his last breath he was with me....he taught me so many things...
i just wish everyone had a teacher like him to teach them the values of bing there for someone, not littering and loving someone unconditionally.....
thank you gorby............

well it has been another eventfull day

i am hooked to online tests...

lets see i started out with a quest to find my IQ and ended up finding my emotional IQ, my carrer personality my love personality, my celebrity soul mate, my celebrity double, my theme song, my song,my inner rock star, my music personality, what kind of kisser am i damn i dont even rember what happened to the IQ test....

then i found good ole freud withand his weird test, what can i say the dude was a sex maniac.

how important are these tests? do they really tell me abt the person i am or the way my life is gonna shape up....i wonder and ponder....as the sun sets across the horizon.....



Right Job/Wrong Job- Creative

Career Interest Inventory- Engineering

Who's Your Movie Star Double?-Benjamin Bratt

Who's Your Music Match?-Sexy Pop Prince

The Zodiac Match Test-Taurus

What Kind of Kisser Are You?-Romantic Kisser

The Attraction Factor-Energy

The Corporate Culture Test-Team Player

The Brain Test-Left-brained

The Classic IQ Test-Precision Processor

The 5-Factor IPIP Personality Test-Personable

The Love Personality Test-ESFP

The Dream Interpretation Test-Mastery

Guy Kawasaki's Entrepreneurial IQ Test-69% or lower

What's Your Style?-Sexy 'n' Sophisticate...

What's Your Song?-Another One Bites the...

Who's Your Inner Rock Star?-Eminem

Who's Your Celebrity Soul Mate?-Cute

The Freud Test-Young Child

What's Your Theme Song?-Back in Black

What's Your True Talent?-Mechanical Ability

Career Personality Test-INFJ

The Emotional IQ Test-Empathy

What's Your Destiny?-Provider

What Kind of Sexy Are You?-Smart 'n' Sexy

Why Are You Still Single?-Don't Want To Settle

The Multiple Intelligences Test-Social Intelligence


i told you i took a lot of tests

MY TAKE...

On ME......

i have been wondering for a long long time as o why i am here, whats the purpose of my existence.
i dreamt abt a thousand things that i could do. i made plans to do hundreds of things .
the truth is that my dreams are very sarcastic, they mock myy sense of sanity.
i walked in the park hoping that i would get some time to think alone, as always i was wrong.
any park is filled with trees and screaming children you might think but in mumbai its filled with love struck pups. i couldn find a empty bench nor did i find a shady place to seek refuge from the sun. totally fustrated i walked back home, on my way back i saw akid crying, then i saw his mother walkin miles ahead of the poor kid, why would she do tht; well actually she was on her cell phone talkin to one of her friends-more like gossiping- the kid had hurt his toe on a stone but she wouldnt care. this is when i finally understood the reason for my existence.

it was very simple-in this materialistic, confirmist world i was the renegade-clear hai.